Couples therapy: when to go and what to expect

Marta Vilela Guimarães · Nov 13, 2026 · 6 min read

Many couples only think of therapy when they are already talking about separating. It is understandable: asking for help with the relationship feels like admitting something has failed. But waiting has a cost. The longer a pattern repeats, the deeper resentment settles in, and the harder it becomes to change.

Couples therapy is not only for saving relationships in crisis. It is for any couple who feels that the way they relate has stopped working, and wants to understand why.

Signs it may be time

• You always argue about the same thing, and the arguments never go anywhere.
• You have stopped talking about what matters, to avoid conflict.
• One chases and the other withdraws: one wants to talk, the other shuts down.
• You feel more like housemates than a couple.
• There has been an affair or a breach of trust that is hard to get past.
• A big change, such as a baby, moving country or an illness, has shifted the balance.
• One or both of you are thinking of separating, but are not sure that is what you want.

The myths that make couples wait too long

“The therapist will say who is right.” She will not. The work is to look at what happens between you, not to decide who is to blame.

“If we need therapy, the relationship is no good.” Every couple goes through difficult phases. Seeking help is a sign the relationship matters.

“Therapy is to convince one of us to stay.” The aim is not to keep the couple together at any cost, but to help you both see clearly. Sometimes that brings you closer; sometimes it helps you separate with more respect, especially when there are children.

“It only works if we both really want it.” It helps if you are both open to it, but it is normal for one to be more convinced than the other at first. Openness often grows as the sessions go on.

What happens in sessions

In the first sessions, each of you tells your version of what is going on and what you would like to change. The therapist helps identify the cycle the couple gets stuck in: what one does, how the other reacts, and how that reaction feeds the first. Almost always, both are trying to protect themselves from the same pain, in ways that collide.

In a relational approach, we also look at what each of you brings from before this relationship: how you learned to ask for closeness, to handle conflict, to trust. When that becomes visible, arguments stop being only about the dishes or the phone, and it becomes possible to respond differently.

What you can do now

• Instead of accusing (“you never…”), try talking about what you feel (“I feel alone when…”).
• Choose your moment. Important conversations in the middle of an argument rarely go well.
• Take breaks. If tension rises too much, agree to stop and come back to it later, and do come back to it.
• Notice the pattern, not only the topic. Many different arguments are, underneath, the same one.

If you recognise yourselves in this, you can read more about our couples therapy, in person in Porto or online, in English or Portuguese. You may also be interested in the article on the anxious–avoidant dynamic, when one chases and the other pulls away. When you feel ready, you can book a first session.